Happiness, Second Choice: Accountability

I do not usually pick up self-help books, but the title was so intriguing (and I was so unhappy) that I decided to take a chance on it. Twenty years later, I am still living into the lessons I learned from this unusual research, written by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks. The book itself does not come from a Christian perspective, so as I read it, I modified their counsel somewhat to include God.

There are nine choices Foster and Hicks discovered that consistently happy people make. Each choice leads to the next in a circular helix very like the chambers of a conch. The choice that launches all the rest is intention, and the second is also foundational: accountability.

The ancient Greeks had a word for the kind of arrogance that refuses to see one’s own fault(s) or acknowledge any need for growth.

Hubris.

Hubris creates an inner rigidity that keeps people from acknowledging their own faults and frailties and from admitting mistakes or poor/wrong decisions, and being both resilient in their circumstances and flexible with others. When self-confidence which has become an unhealthy form of pride or pride’s shadowy opposite, self-loathing, it transforms into hubris, blocking empathy for others, connection with God, oneself, and others, and, ultimately, happiness.

Yet, when I hear the word “accountability,” I have to pause a moment. For the longest time I had a wrong idea about what accountability meant.

What I now realize is that, as with intention, accountability is about taking responsibility for one’s own life. This goes back to the first thing I learned in counseling. Every person has agency, which is to say, every person is capable of making their own choices, no matter how limited those choices may be. This is a gift from God, that we are given the capability of making our own moral choices, even when that can lead to harm. As Joshua said to the people on the cusp of their new lives

“… choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served in the region beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living, but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua to the people, Joshua 24:15

This is the main point brought home in the book of Proverbs. Things do not just happen to us. We are choosing, all the time, the path we will walk.

Accountability

The authors anticipate confusion with this second choice by comparing wrong and right definitions. The wrong definition, in this context, has to do with being held to account by some outside authority which intends to punish those who do not comply. The right definition has to do with taking charge of own lives. As they put it,

“It’s the assumption that no matter what life presents we have the ability to move ahead—to do something good for ourselves, to make a difference, to have an effect,

Rick Foster and Greg Hicks, How We Choose to be Happy, 46

But are Christians not supposed to be selfless, you ask?

I, along with you, learned the acronym associated with “JOY”—Jesus, Others, You. Why would we be thinking about doing something good for ourselves in that framework? And as Christians, we seek to serve, to surrender ourselves to God’s will, to “submit one to another,” as Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:21. So do all these passages on dying to self not point in the opposite direction of what the authors are saying about happiness?

Except, the point of accountability is not about being self-centered, but rather about owning one’s agency.

Agency

Rather than seeing ourselves as victims of circumstances, we instead reach into God’s infinite supply of resourcefulness and look for ways to bring whatever situation we are in to its best conclusion. We look for solutions, we look for the good, we look for whatever the Lord might be doing and we lean into that direction. When we keep this point of view in mind, then reading passages about surrender and service make better sense in terms of agency. It is something you and I choose to do, not something that is done to us without our consent.

This is not necessarily about being responsible, or feeling responsible, or doing good because we feel obligated (notice how all that is passive). Responsible people are not necessarily happy (and some of you reading this are nodding your heads. Me too.). Feeling responsible can be like carrying a heavy burden, emotionally. Taking charge, on the other hand, using our agency, is proactive, rather than passive or reactive, it is pulling from internal resources rather than being controlled by external forces.

Think about it.

The Blame Shame Game

When we see ourselves as victims, we blame everyone and everything else for our own life experiences. In fact, the authors point out four indicators of unhappy people:

• Blaming others rather than taking personal responsibility.
• Being greedy (and here I imagine being selfish and not disciplining appetites).
• Burning with envy (a cousin to greed, desiring what others have).
• Bearing jealousy (a form of possessiveness that begrudges others of enjoying what I feel is mine alone).

For the happy person, blame is pointless, it has nowhere to go. This is not the same thing as taking mature stock of a situation. Wise solutions can only flow from wise assessments. But blame’s first purpose is punitive, not restorative. And that goes for self-blame as well. Taking stock of what I can change in my life is sober wisdom. Self-blame is really self-flagellation, without any more purpose than to find someone to punish (in this case, myself).

Paul hints at this truth when he wrote,

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death.

2 Corinthians 7:10 NRSVUE

Repentance

For the Christian, repentance is centered in being able to make a sober assessment of ourselves and the situation.

Conviction

The process of repentance begins with a change of mind. You and I become convinced, through the work of the Holy Spirit, of where we have fallen short, and we realize, now, there must be change.

Where this process can get short-circuited is in the pain of realizing a shortcoming. So, we may turn to

Rationalization: trying to explain to ourselves or others (or both) why this shortcoming is defensible, or why what we said or did, or think (or did not say, or do, or think) is really not as bad as it seems. Or, we may say to ourselves it will all blow over soon, and then we will not need to think about it anymore … that is to say, until it happens again, because we have refused to face truth.

Contrition

Once we have made our sober assessment, we can feel a change of heart. Which might be an experience of sorrow or grief, or a settled peace that it is time to change. For Christians this is as much within ourselves as it is before God, and with God. We discover a deep desire to change, and to receive the cleansing, healing, transforming power of Christ. The energy and wherewithal to change comes from this divine, wonder-working act of the Spirit.

Remorse: This is where self-blame ends up being counterproductive. Instead of experiencing the life-giving energy to make necessary changes, we can get stuck in that awful feeling of knowing that we have been doing something wrong, or poorly, we have been missing the mark and it has been causing harm. We might even fall into that pit of despond, disgusted and discouraged with ourselves. There is no energy to change, here. The harm only compounds upon itself, making the whole process of repentance feel so painful we dread looking inward.

Regret: Or, we may feel sorry about the consequences of our shortcoming or wrongdoing  but there is no actual decision to change.

Conversion

But if we can make it through the first two steps, we get to the really exciting place of transformation, a conscious choice to cooperate with God in changing. Our agency becomes engaged, resolving so deeply not to fall short in this way again that we actually get up and start the process of change, then move on.

Being open (rather than defensive), listening to others, as well as my own inner dialogue (rather than shutting down, or becoming tone deaf), being willing to offer compassion, being willing to receive what the other person has to say are all ways to wisely asses what is true, and what can be changed, modified, and repaired.

A Time to Laugh, A Time to Mourn

The truth is, people are victimized. There are plenty of times, in big ways and small, when things do happen to us that we had no control over, and which are painful. But to remain there in our perspective, as victims of circumstances, guts us of our agency. As one interviewee explained, “I will not allow myself to be enslaved by the past” (63). Instead, in each of the stories in this chapter, the person assessed the situation, wisely understood the needful thing and did that, moving forward.

But, does that mean we never get to feel anything but this sort of chipper can-do spirit?

Not at all.

Choosing to be happy means also choosing to give myself “the freedom to experience fully our fear, sadness, and anger as well as our hope and joy” (67). Reading that was of deep comfort to me. Fully feeling what we are feeling, giving ourselves the freedom to feel what we feel, in the moment, is like letting the waves of the ocean lap at the beach. The waves will come, and the waves will go, so find contentment in the rhythm of it.

[Cover phote: Photo by Jason Hafso on Unsplash]